Lark Ascending

I’ve always thought that all knowledge is opened to us upon death, a small part of that being that you will at once know everything anyone has ever said or thought about you, good and bad. But the bad won’t hurt you as it would have when you where alive, the bad thoughts, words and deeds will belong to those who have done them; they must ponder on why they did them not you.

Some days I wake up extremely early, either my lone kidney needs it’s 100th wee of the night or I am startled awake by something that has taxed me for the last few months. If the latter awakes me then I know I cannot turn over, snuggle deeper and go back to sleep, in fact I know I may as well get up there and then be it 4am or not.

I struggle with the thought that I have a character flaw so… gods I can’t find a word for what it must be, what do you call a character flaw that repels a large number of people from you? What is it about me that would do that, because I can’t believe a group of people would each have the same character flaw that would cause them to behave in such a way, therefore the problem is with me? What did I do over the years of friendship to that would cause friends to act in this way?

It is the top of my stomach just under the breastbone that feels it, a strange achy emotion that is trapped there swirling around. The heat from it rushes to my cheeks and burns them whenever anyone asks me about them; if I think about them for too long the pain from it appears behind my eyes and makes them begin to fill. I change the subject as quickly as I can for I have no answers, how can I when I don’t know the reason.

I know that when I die I will have to look at and answer for every single one of the bad thoughts, words and deeds that I have done; I know I will have to face them, accept what I did and apologise, I am more than willing to do that. In life this has made me realise that there is no need to add more to what I will have to consider in death; why be mean or angry, why bitch or backbite, why lie or evade when in death everything will be know; you cannot avoid anything.

In death I will know what my great character flaw is and so in life I must work on patience and trying to be at peace with the knowledge that there is something in me that eventually repels. This is not easy; part of me wonders how I could ever become friends with anyone again if this is what will ultimately happen. After much thought I have decided that by far the best way to stop this ever occurring again is to not have any friends; by that I mean I will endeavour not to make any new ones, not that I will push away those who have stood by me over the last few months.

At the moment I cannot mentally cope with what has happened and so I could not cope with losing another group of people from my life if I where to form a friendship again. It is too painful, far too painful. Even now I cannot quite comprehend that there is something so fundamentally wrong with me that I do not merit a kind word, thought or deed from those I thought of as my friends at a time when I needed them the most. But the sheer fact that I didn’t warrant any such thing proves that there so obviously is something wrong with me, I have to face and deal with that but it is just so very hard.

Still, if I am trying to find positives in life I must find a positive from this. Is the positive the realisation that I am flawed? We are all flawed to some extent and don’t we know this already? Maybe we’re not all flawed to the degree that a large amount of people reject us, so I don’t believe that the awareness of being flawed is the positive I take from this. Is it the understanding that I cannot bare the thought of making new friends only for this to happen again a few years down the line? Hmmm that is one to which I need to give more thought. I am fully aware that I am enough for myself perhaps this is the expansion of that, or another part? More contemplation, more dreams, more sleepless nights and turmoil until I have hopefully learned something from this awful experience.